The Thrill Is Gone

I really thought a summit photo would accompany this post. After about a dozen expeditions, I’d been looking toward a mastery-level capstone to my personal exploration at high altitude. Instead, with the odds stacked in my favor, I ended up turning back from Everest as I just didn’t feel up to the task mentally. And instead of grave disappointment at turning down yet another chance to summit an 8000m peak with oxygen, I guess I just feel tired and indifferent.The summit bid started off well enough. I’d managed to stay healthy all expedition unlike most of my teammates and I’d been eating really well and not losing much weight. I was noticeably stronger and healthier than the previous rotation. I should mention that the climbing conditions were incredibly windy…the kind of windy that reminds you you’re on an 8000er and that there’s no room for error.Things only started to get hard for me at camp 3, where it was hard to keep my toes warm even in my sleeping bag. In the early morning before climbing to camp 4, we were rushed to get packed but then had to wait. The hurry up and wait game was the last straw for my toes, and even after rubbing them warm I knew I’d be battling with them all day. Something eerily similar happened in the exact same spot in 2013, where I ended up waiting several hours shivering alone in the dark without a sleeping bag. Another wrinkle was the huge group of climbers who’d apparently gotten the same forecast as us…at least a hundred climbers strung out on the Lhotse face above me.I started climbing but quite soon out of my tent I just didn’t have it mentally. Didn’t have the will to push through the long day ahead, let alone climb all through the night and into the summit day. Furte insisted the apathy was due to lack of oxygen so I begrudgingly took him up on the offer to go on the bottle. He pushed me to try and I’ll at least say that the effect of oxygen is quite noticeable. The aches in your legs disappear into blissful nothingness. But the drudgery is still there in force, not to mention the awkwardness and dissociated feeling of climbing behind the mask. The oxygen also cleared the fog and made the commercial zoo aspects of the mountain come into focus. After 20-30 minutes of climbing and lots more deliberation, I decided that we turn down.I should have known. Whenever I’ve needed them, the mountains have always delivered. But going to Everest really is much more of a Disneyland experience than the alpine exploration I crave.A few more thoughts:

1. Climbing Everest is really hard. Oxygen makes it possible for nearly all of today’s summiters (8000 ascents with oxygen but only 200 without), but they all have to push through the countless challenges of an expedition.
2. Am I done with 8000ers? I can’t say I am, but if I do it will still be without oxygen. But I really am ready for some more unique adventures. I’m thinking bikepacking, range crossings, range circumnavigations, first ascents, quality alpine climbs, and of course aesthetic lines on Sierran granite.

Here’s to more adventures in 2018 and beyond…good luck!Hari